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Sappho in the Water (Every Hand)

from Fool Season by Jacob Nico

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lyrics

I don’t know how to love this body
I don’t know how to love any body
The intersection of the two,
In the field near your parents’ house
Or the shrinking and cracking
Of my own in the grass alone
If I could change it
What would I want it to be?

A book, thumbed through but never read
The dregs of your morning coffee
A tree, swollen branches cut

If I fell through the world as I am
Or fell as the other option
Both would still be parallax
And in the angle where they meet
And all the empathy that spills out
There is no balance
No stillness
I don’t know how to love this body

In the hills a woman smiles at the landscape
A boy stares in his parents’ mirror
Neither of them exist
Except in the angle where they meet
And all the empathy that spills out
I don’t know how to love this body

Across the sound
And my shattered knee
Tooth on vibrating metal
With performative terror
A hand on pallid face
Sappho in the water
Smearing aloe vera on fractured palms
I have a hospital appointment tomorrow

Blooming beneath the flesh
Basking in the overwhelming everything
You are mapping some part of me
Or just mapping something for me
I wait on the shore:
The lighthouse, you are the pelican
Orchid blooms beneath the chest
Basking in the overwhelming everything

I was born a boy convinced they were special
Now I am something, content to be nothing
Just one of the weeds
And so happy with that
I don’t know why I’m still alive
But I’m glad I know you now
Maybe the universe decided I should stay
I guess it wanted us to be friends

In every hand something is lost
In every hand something remains
In every hand something is lost
I am scared, and I am ashamed

credits

from Fool Season, released August 28, 2020

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Jacob Nico Cambridge, UK

All in time

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